Guy Movie

At first, I thought Shoot 'Em Up should be retitled Guy Movie, but then I decided that it was already kind of called that. It's not exactly a profound title, right? It's descriptive of the movie, though, for that's all it is. Shoot 'Em Up is the quintessential guy flick because it is a combination of action scenes with stupid one-liners broken up by prurient love scenes and absolutely no plot. Basically, it's action pornography, as in stupid, lurid, and sensational.

As a guy, I am appalled that movies like this get made. They have real actors here, too--Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and the gorgeous Aramaic speaking Monica Belluci. It's not like this is a kid's remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark or something like that. It's a real movie!

And they make it to appeal to guys like me. They think that us guys don't care to think about movies and all we want is senseless sex and violence. I'm so overwrought, I feel like writing in all capital letters and using multiple punctuation marks. IT UPSETS ME, DANGIT!!!!

The bad thing is that I actually kind of like it. It's like taking the cool action scenes from the best action movies and then stringing them together into an homage. It's not a parody, at least I don't think so. While it knows it's being silly, it's doing it earnestly. The actors are really acting and the action scenes are well-done. No, no, no, this movie likes what it has done, and there are a lot of guys like me who kind of like it, too.

But honestly, I didn't want an entire movie. I actually couldn't finish it. Good action scenes need to come in small doses, and this one comes on way too strong and lasts for way too long.

And if I were in an action movie, I would say, "Yeah, long and strong, just like me."

But really, it's not that funny.

Grade for Shoot 'Em Up: 4